Hot tears.

Yesterday I had just had enough. The weariness that people have been warning me about for months finally set in during an unfortunate moment. Fourteen hours at two jobs is too much on a sane person. Add to that working seven days a week, serious illnesses of people I love, no time to simply share moments with someone else, and a holiday for which I am most unprepared…and you have a mess. Oh, I was a mess. I slumped over the counter after being cursed at by yet another patient, and I muttered a few choice words at the computer screen. I felt the hot tears coming on, those tears you can barely stop that are shed more out of frustration than sadness.

“Don’t cry, Dana. Don’t cry. Not right now. You just can’t.”

Hot tears are hard to blink away on your own. I made a comment to my colleague in the hopes she would laugh right then and I would not cry. She did laugh…and I did not cry. Amen. The chaos, both internal and external, continued on for a few more hours but I DID NOT CRY.

It wasn’t until I limped into my own doorway late last night that I recalled a prayer I have been trying to remember to keep close in my heart these days:

Today is Your day, Lord.
You are in the midst.
I submit all of my actions, words, and thoughts to You.
I choose love.
I choose joy.
I choose peace.
I choose patience.
I choose kindness.
I choose goodness.
I choose gentleness.
I choose faithfulness.
I choose self-control.

I get so much wrong these days. Everything feels like failure. And I want to run off in a southern direction every morning. I remember the last time I felt this heavy-hearted. All too well. I ran then, too, and it saved my life.

But I did not know the fullness and depth of the Lord’s love then. I do now. I want to live it, breathe it, wallow in it, and rest. I want to choose to serve this God who knows my story and uses my dark places to create welcome space for others with dark places and lets me listen to their hearts and know their stories and be human and frail with them.

I will not always be weary. This is what I needed to know last night in the midst of having had enough: each day is the Lord’s. And in each day, I get to choose how to live. I choose love. I am an absolute failure, a sorry sinner, a mess of a woman with a too-big heart and too-thin skin. I shed a lot of hot tears. I choose love. This day and every day. Amen.

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5 thoughts on “Hot tears.

  1. Any women who works two jobs and puts in 14 hour days, seven days a week deserves hot tears anytime she wants.You are a amazing women. I am so blessed to work along side of you and see your spirit shine. Take the time you need to let the tears go and move forward on the direction your heart desires. You don’t need to work 14 hours to be a superwoman…. Your attitude shows the world your super power!

  2. Oh, girl, not a failure or a sinner. On our worst days we are the righteousness of God in Christ. Easy to type, hard to remember. You are, in the cursing at the computer screen and holding back hit tears, Christ in Dana. It’s what religion wants us NOT to know. Or at the very least work for. Nope. Pure gift, baby. Pure freakin’ gift. And I’ve got to say, your post here reminded me of something. I’ll post it to Facebook momentarily…

    Much love to you this merry (or not) holiday.

  3. I have always heard that God is there in our lowest times. He will lift you up out of the deep miry clay and put you on a solid rock to stand. He will put a song in your heart. (Read Psalms 40:2-3)

    Dana for me personally, God allows me to cry so I know I need to fully rely on Him. I forget and think I can do it all. If you do cry use them as cleansing tears (and stress relief) not as tears of defeat. I know that He uses you and your postings to touch others. You keep on hanging in there.

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