An Open (and a little silly) Letter to Men of the Church.

Dear Men,

This letter is for you. I am not an embittered single woman, but someone who has blazed her own path and walked alongside others as they blazed theirs through the Garden of Eden called Dating Church Dudes. Actually…it’s more like that marketplace Jesus tore up once. Anyway, I want to encourage you to think about some things before you go all crazy pursuing the heart of your latest beloved and get down to being fruitful and multiplying. Hear me out, brothers.

  1. Coffee does not a marriage proposal make. It’s just coffee. And that was just a group outing yesterday and last weekend was simply a concert. I like spending time with you. And I like hanging out. We aren’t all looking to get married tomorrow. And while you’re afraid of asking me to go somewhere because you are afraid I will read too much into it and expect you to be my Boaz, I’m afraid that there’s a terrible reason why you won’t spend time with me. Maybe I would just like to know there are still gentlemen out there. Man up, boys. The coffee’s getting cold.
  2. Hold the door open. If we are dating or you are looking to date me, hold the blasted door. Just hold doors for all women at all times, really. The store door, the car door, the house door. HOLD IT. Some of us still swoon over acts of chivalry. It makes us feel even more like ladies. Which I’m pretty sure strokes your fragile male ego just enough to make you feel even more like a man. Everybody wins. Love wins.
  3. Don’t froogle. If you do not know what that means, look it up. (One of my brilliant college profs coined the phrase because he’s a good man. A gentleman and a scholar.)  You’re probably froogling right now. Stop. Treat a woman like she means something because she does mean something. The Lord assigned her worth long before you came about. If you are “talking intentionally” with ten girls, then you’re a coward with no plans to be brave. Grow up. This applies to you whether you are in middle school or in your forties and I have seen it happen at all ages. Grow up. “When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.” Paul’s pen didn’t slip when he wrote this. He, too, was a gentleman and a scholar.
  4. Do not use last night’s date with me as tonight’s locker room fodder. I am not up for discussion with your accountability partner(s). Respect me and dignify our relationship with some privacy. In turn, I promise not to write you into a song. I’m not Taylor Swift. But you are my unspoken prayer request.
  5. If you have no plans to marry me, do not discuss children with me. Do not look at rings with me. Do not tell your parents and friends that I am “the one.” Do not kiss me at night and tell me that you cannot wait until we share a bed. This does not present you as a man who changed his mind in the end, it just presents you as a liar. Be honest. With me and yourself. My sisters and I talk and we are fully aware of the guys who do this. Your bros are none too impressed, either. We are all lifting you up to the Lord at the singles worship night.
  6. If you don’t want to be in a relationship, do not spend numerous hours with me on the phone and in person pushing me to spill out my heart to your ears. When you do that, it makes me think you are looking for a relationship. Especially when you tell me that’s why you are talking to me in the first place. If you don’t want a relationship or you want the girl you met at the coffeehouse prayer meeting, just tell me. I might get hurt, but I’ll understand and we can still be friends. But when you back off and only say that you can’t see me anymore and want to spend more time with God or are preparing your heart for some future event, I guarantee that God and/or said event actually has a name. And boobs. And she’s probably in my small group, so I’m going to find out sooner or later. Bless your heart.
  7. If our dating becomes serious, then that’s probably a good time to tell me about your prison record. I’m all for redemption and restoration and I will not begrudge a man his past. I just don’t want to find out when we are picking out a reception venue that you’re actually on the run from the law and your name isn’t Matthew/Mark/Luke/John/David/Daniel/Habakkuk. That is some kind of jackassery that I cannot abide because all I really want is to abide in Christ.
  8. If you want to intentionally and exclusively spend time with me or one of the girls in my tribe, you have a reason. State your reason. Be clear. If you are looking for a hook-up, I’m not your Bathsheba but I’ll respect and praise your honesty. If you are looking for a friend, say it. And for the love of all that is good, if you are determined to have a ring on my finger by spring, preach it. Some of us just want to be friends. Some of us want to get hitched. And ALL of us are sick of your games. Let your yes, be yes and your no, be no.


a single sister in Christ who thinks your godly leadership skills are pretty hot